Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Mr. Paskind’s attempted egress was a direct result of a cruel and unusual punishment handed down by Judge Olpian. In no other court would a judge find my client’s punishment to be commensurate with his crime. And anyone who is the least bit familiar with Judge Olpian’s years on the bench is well aware of His Honor’s draconian tendencies.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Before my eyes are open I'm cold. My eyes grow back in my grandparents' bathroom, a long-extinct species of sepia and bygone conveyance. The tub is filled with ice. And the ice is filled with me. I look at my gut through the crystalline cubes, a wide gleaming splotch of pixilated scarlet. I'm not confused anymore, but the ice has numbed me to the chill snaking through me. I lift my head. He towers over me; stentorian, victorious. His arms across his chest, he holds a scalpel. Crimson rivulets run down the metal and over his fist.
No, I think. No. Not me. Not him.
Then he laughs and says, "I'm just kidding."
Thursday, October 28, 2010
In the beginning, God was bored and threw a tantrum. His furious screams created the light, illuminating the formless wasteland that was the universe. Thus ended the first day. On the second day God was nauseated by His domain’s lack of righteousness. He flailed His arms in anger through the flotsam of lame that was the universe. The cosmic debris settled to form the heavens and the earth. When God looked upon His Creation on the morning of the third day He found it dull. Enraged He slammed His hands onto the surface of the earth, creating the land and the seas. He looked at the earth and said, “That’s better,” and ended the third day. After his beauty sleep, God realized that the earth was colorless and depressing. “This blows,” He said and urinated on the land. From His golden showers grew vegetation of every color and God was sated. So ended the fourth day. On the fifth day God regarded the earth, expecting to be amused. Soon, however, He realized that nothing was happening. He squatted over the world and defecated. From wherever His feces landed rose the menagerie of beasts that populate the land, sea, and sky. God watched as they played and fed and mated and defecated and he was satisfied for the time being.
On the sixth day God discovered that He was still not happy. He decided that he needed a constant source of entertainment, one intelligent enough to make its own decisions yet dumb enough to make the wrong decisions. So from the clay of the land God created Man in his own image. God was very happy with his newest creation and deemed the seventh day be designated for Man to worship Him, for God had created many awesome things and was, Himself, the embodiment of awesomeness.
Over time God saw that Man was unhappy, that Man did not frolic amidst the flora or partake of the fauna with the mirth that he once had. God asked Man, “Hey, what’s your problem?”
Man replied, “I’m sorry, Lord, but I’m lonely.”
God was angry at Man’s ingratitude. He had brought Man into existence and allowed him to dwell amongst His perfection. But Man had found it wanting. Nevertheless God decided to supply Man with a companion, lest Man remain despondent and never entertain Him again. He removed a rib from Man and, over Man’s agonized screams and desperate attempts to stop the bleeding, created Woman. God placed Man and Woman in His most beautiful Garden. “There. Enjoy,” He said to them. “I’ve got only one rule: don’t eat from the Tree of Knowledge.”
“Why not that one, Lord?” inquired Man.
“Because I said so, that’s why!” And with that God left Man and Woman to their own devices.
Man and Woman lived together in the Garden for many years and were happy. They frolicked amid the flora and partook of the fauna and copulated so frequently and loudly that many animals found it disturbing. The Tree of Knowledge remained unsullied but never completely out of the minds of Man and Woman. One day Woman was walking through the Garden. A serpent appeared before Woman and spoke to her in Woman’s own voice. “Say, what’s the matter with you?” the serpent asked.
“What do you mean?” answered Woman.
“Why don’t you eat from the Tree? I know you want to.”
“The Lord told us not to. Duh!”
“Yeah, right. Why would He plop you down next to the Tree and then forbid you to eat from it? He’s got a whole world to choose from and He puts you within spitting distance of it? What sense does that make?”
Woman opened her mouth to speak. But no words came forth. She could not answer the serpent.
“Why would He even make a Tree of Knowledge, huh?” the serpent continued. “What, He’s so smart He needs to put some of it in storage or it’ll go bad?”
“I-I don’t know.”
“He’s freaking God, for God’s sake!”
“I-I…” Woman faltered.
“I mean, He dangles this treasure in front of you like a carrot on a stick and tells you you’re not allowed to have it?”
Woman met the serpent’s eyes. “I have wondered at times what the harm would be.”
“What harm? What does He think, you’re going to take His job? How insecure can a deity be?”
Woman thought long before answering, “It’s not fair,” and struck out through the Garden to find Man.
She found Man reclining under the Garden’s eaves, shamelessly molesting himself. He saw her approach, jumped to his feet, and grabbed Woman by her hips. “Woman,” he said, “if you had clothes I’d be tearing them off you right now.”
“Look, Man,” she began, “you ever think about why we can’t eat from the Tree?”
The question surprised Man because, while he recognized Woman’s form and visage, the voice he heard was his own. He released Woman and said, “No. God’s forbidden it. Isn’t that enough?”
“Is it?” Woman replied.
Man hesitated, then spoke. “Of course. He’s the Lord, all-knowing and all-powerful.”
“What do you mean, ‘So?’ What kind of talk is that, Woman?”
“I’m just thinking out loud.”
“I don’t think you are.”
“Man, why would the Lord create the key to wisdom in our presence and then deny us access to it?”
“We’re not supposed to question God’s motives.”
Man hesitated once again before answering Woman. “B-Because we’re His creations.”
“Exactly,” countered Woman. “He made us in His own image. He gave us dominion over the earth, just like Him. And just like Him, we think. We’re His only creations capable of independent thought. And He refuses to give us what we need to make intelligent, informed decisions?”
“I don’t think that’s what He intended.”
Woman’s eyes blinked open wide and she pointed a finger at Man. “Look at that. You’re questioning God’s motives, Man.”
“Shut up, Woman! He’ll hear you!”
“Admit it – you have the same questions I do.”
“And what if you’re wrong? What if that’s exactly what He intended?”
Man was scared and unable to speak for several moments. “What if you’re wrong?” he finally uttered.
“Maybe I am,” Woman answered. “But I’d like to know for sure. Wouldn’t you?”
Man paced beneath God’s totally righteous canopy of green. Woman gently took Man by his hands. “I know it’s scary. I’m scared too. But aren’t you curious at all? Wouldn’t you like to know why things are the way they are?”
Man looked into Woman’s eyes. “Only if you’re with me,” he said.
Man and Woman marched to the heart of the Garden where resided the Tree of Knowledge. Man and Woman each plucked an apple from the boughs of the Tree. They looked at each other and, with a nod, bit into their apples. Before they could wipe the juices from their chins, the sky above them opened and roared with God’s wrath. “Jesus Christ,” he bellowed, “I give you one simple instruction!”
“It was her!” cried Man.
“Shut up! You’re out of here, both of you!”
Both Man and Woman pleaded with God for forgiveness. “Please, Lord, give us one more chance!” they implored.
“Forget it! Scram!”
“Lord, we beg you to reconsider!”
“Oh, well, in that case, okay. I’ll reconsider. And… done. No! Get out!”
“Please! Please, My Lord!”
“No. I knew this would happen and it happened.”
Man and Woman were taken aback by this sudden revelation. “You… you knew?”
“Of course. I’m God, stupids!”
“Then… you gave us a test you knew we would fail?”
“You got it.”
“That’s how I roll.”
Man and Woman looked at one another in mutual shock, then turned back to their Creator. “But that’s not fair!”
“Neither am I. Now GET – THE – FUCK – OUT!”