With a grinding whoosh of steel air a circular hatch in the ceiling corkscrewed open. The villains craned their necks as a gauze of light fell upon them. A pair of bare feet emerged from the hole, descending to the floor. Atop the bare feet was an emaciated man suspended from a rope and hook, bound in fishing line and clad in a loincloth fashioned out of paperclips.
The gears stopped with a angry clang. The emaciated man came to a halt a foot above the floor. Dubious Lee stood next to him and addressed his allies. “You all remember my old partner, Calvin Julius Horsefinder?”
“I thought he was dead,” said Alfobet Soope.
“Erroneous reportage, Alfobet Soope. No, Mr. Horsefinder has generously volunteered to vanquish your various vexations.” He turned to Horsefinder. “Isn’t that right, old friend?”
Struggling to raise his head, eyelids fluttering over bloodshot eyes, Horsefinder croaked, “Please, Leland. Don’t.”
“Fret not, friend. Just as I promised, once you’ve answered some very simple questions from young Master Toddler, you may go on your way.”
The Toddler approached Calvin Julius Horsefinder and stared at him. Horsefinder looked nervously to his former partner. “Introduce yourself, Calvin,” Dubious Lee prompted. The other villains looked on.
Horsefinder swallowed hard and looked to the Toddler standing before him, looking at the bound man with expectantly widened eyes. “Hi,” he said. “I’m Calvin Julius Horsefinder.”
“Why?” asked the Toddler.
Horsefinder opened his mouth to answer but found himself stymied silent. He looked to Dubious Lee, who motioned for the captive to answer. “Well, my parents named me that.”
“Why?”
“Because they liked the name?”
“Why?”
“Because… they wanted to honor their parents.”
“Why?”
“I-I don’t know.”
“Why?”
“‘Why?’ Because they never told me.”
“Why?”
“Leland!” cried Horsefinder. “What’s going on?”
“Answer the question, Calvin,” Dubious Lee calmly ordered.
Horsefinder looked back at the Toddler. “‘W-Why didn’t they tell me?’ They… they just didn’t!”
“Why?”
“Look, shut up, alright?”
The color oozed out of the Toddler’s cheeks and suffused his eyes, now deep-set and wreathed in shadow. His face hardened into volcanic rock. He pursed his lips into a curl of diabolical hunger. “Why?” the Toddler repeated, his voice now a bestial growl of enmity.
With impelled, intimidated calm Horsefinder answered, “They didn’t think it was important.”
“Why?”
“They didn’t think I was important.”
“Why?”
“They hired people to take care of me.”
A tear spilled from Horsefinder’s eye. “What’s going on?” Alfobet Soope whispered to Dubious Lee, who advised patience with a single upraised finger.
“Why?”
“Because they would rather have gone to parties and buy things they never used and cheat on each other.” The floodgates swung open and the tears exploded down his swollen face.
“Why?”
“Because they didn’t care about anything but themselves.”
“Why?”
“Because they were rich and powerful and spoiled.”
“Why?”
“Because Dad was a corporate thief who lined his pockets with the spoils of other people’s labors.”
Thin veins of pink shot through Horsefinder’s rivulets of tears and the clear streams soon ran red. Alfobet Soope, Metalhead and Titmouse looked to Dubious Lee. He grinned back, an insidious twinkle of knowledge in his eye.
“Why?”
“He was a greedy son of a bitch.”
“Why?”
“H-He was a sociopath.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know!”
Spasmodic kernels began to percolate beneath the skin of Horsefinder’s extremities.
“Why?”
“Because I don’t know everything!”
Horsefinder’s eyes grew engorged and threatened to burst from their sockets.
“Why?”
“Because I’m not God!”
The rope swayed wildly as Horsefinder’s undulations increased in frequency.
“Why?’
“BECAUSE I’M NOT!!!”
“Why?”
Horsefinder’s body erupted in violent tremors. His shaking head catapulted his bloody tears into the air. His jaw flapped like a running piston but no words came forth. His mouth instead belched a long tortured squeal. Dubious Lee smiled proudly as the other villains looked on, still as statues.
Horsefinder fell silent. His body went limp. His head slumped to his chest. Just as the others realized that Calvin Julius Horsefinder had died, gray matter seeped out of his head’s various orifices. The Toddler looked away from the hanging carcass, reached into his pocket and started playing his Nintendo DS.
“You see?” Dubious Lee blared mirthfully. “No adult can withstand the wearisome why-age of a three-year old. But one compelling you to confess and face your most daunting demons, one possessing the power to extirpate the encephalon entirely… !”
Metalhead stepped forward. “… I’ll fuck anything he wants me to.”
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