The villains gathered around the table displayed their collections of hunched shoulders, furrowed brows, and rolling eyes to Dubious Lee. The mastermind crossed his arms against his chest and met their impatient looks. “You disappoint me,” he gravely intoned.
“Well, y’all gotta do better than ‘silence,’ you know what I’m saying?”
“Yes, I do indeed know what you are saying. You all have exposed yourselves to be utterly incapable of avenging yourselves upon a mild case of mudbutt on your own.”
Metalhead leapt out of her seat. “What about you, dick-wound? How’d the fucking take-over-the-Bar-Association-plan work out for you?”
“Or the biscuit and gravy aphrodisiac?” added Alfobet Soope. “That was the height of glory.”
“But united,” said Lee, “we can enlist the services of one with the power to crush Simple Country Lawyer once and for all!”
The wall of the conference lair was suddenly bifurcated by a blade of light. Metalhead, Titmouse, and Alfobet Soope drew back, whipping their forearms in front of their eyes. The blade fattened as the wall split in half. The light rushed in but its source was obscured. A small humanoid silhouette stood before the light’s vanishing point. The villains watched the black bulwark approach them. Its gait was an awkward staccato waddle and the mysterious form lifted its knees to a curious height. Then, just as suddenly as it appeared, the light vanished. Before the group stood a three-year-old boy with lightly tousled hair, denim overalls, and t-shirt sporting a smiling Jolly Roger.
“My conspicuously curt colleagues,” announced Lee, “I give you… The Toddler!”
Groans filled the room as the others flopped into their seats.
“What?” asked Dubious Lee.
“Are you sssshiting us? Another ringer?” asked Titmouse.
“An actual toddler?” added Metalhead.
“This, my friends, is different.”
Metalhead said, “Remember L.U.C.A., the A.C.L.U.bot? The southern-fried sissy convinced him to go work for the mafia.”
“Yessss,” concurred Titmouse. “And he convincccced the Bearded Lady that sssshe wassss a fat hairy gay man and ssssent her to a bear bar. They mauled her to death.”
Alfobet Soope said, “Yeah, and when y’all sicced the Dali Llama on his ass, the Lawyer turned him into a suicide bomber.”
“And now we’re going to go with some cutie-pie cum-stain?” accused Metalhead.
“My acrimonious allies,” Dubiously Lee said suffused with pride, “the Lawyer’s power resides in his two-pronged attack of homespun charm and redneck logic.”
“Don’t ssssay that word!” mocked Titmouse.
“No. ‘Redneck,’ ‘hick,’ ‘hillbilly,’ ‘white trash,’ and ‘shit-kicker,’ are all acceptable terms.” Lee continued, “The Toddler possesses the ability to not only negate the Lawyer’s powers but to turn them against him.”
Metalhead arched an eyebrow. “And he’s willing to do this?”
“For a price, of course – one which requires all of us to meet. I will provide the three-million dollar fee. Alfobet Soope, the Toddler requires your autograph.”
“You pay me for an autograph!” Soope responded.
“Not this time, my atramentous abettor!”
“Huh?”
“And the Toddler requires the autograph etched upon a football.”
“Fine!”
“The Toddler also requires the football to be that which you caught to win the 1998 Championship.”
“Bullshit! I fucked Beyonce with that ball! S’my favorite thing in the world.”
“Don’t you have two children?” asked Titmouse.
“Yeah.”
Dubious Lee continued, “The Toddler also demands that it be personalized.”
“S’not happening,” Alfobet Soope said.
“The inscription must read, ‘Toddler, your wiener puts mine to shame – Alfobet Soope.’ ”
“Fuck that!”
Dubious Lee smiled. “The Toddler’s price is non-negotiable.”
“Then we’re going to Plan-2.”
“Titmouse,” Lee continued, “you need only entertain your own highly valued vocation.”
“You mean I have to rape ssssomeone? Done. Who am I raping?”
“You must violently violate the Toddler’s father.”
“What?!” yelped Titmouse.
“Yes. It seems the man is withholding the Toddler’s rightful inheritance as bequeathed by his grandfather. You are to rape the man into submission.”
Titmouse whined, “But I wanna rape women.”
“The Toddler has assured me his father possesses ample man-breasts.”
“Tearssss and pussssssy!”
“Furthermore, you are to despoil the man with an onion.”
Titmouse gesticulated desperately. “Why are you lisssstening to this kid? That’ssss sssstupid. You can’t rape ssssomeone with an onion.”
“Metalhead!” Lee turned to the steel-coated woman. “You must – ”
“Stop!” Metalhead leaned forward with her hand help up. “Before you go any further, I’m going to tell you right now. Cut to the fucking chase and just tell me outright what debasing bullshit I have to endure to appease this little shit.”
“You, Metalhead, must lie with a man.”
Metalhead looked at Dubious Lee dubiously. “By, ‘lie,’ I’m assuming you mean, ‘fuck,’ right?”
“Correct.”
“And?”
“That is all.”
Metalhead’s eyes narrowed. “I just have to fuck a guy?”
“Yes, my duplicitous darling.”
“Any guy?”
“Who ever you wish. The Toddler regrettably deigns that his clients conform to, as Edward Gibbon opined with antiquated aplomb, ‘an entirely correct sexuality.’ ”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“He doesn’t like lesbians.”
“I’m not a lesbian!”
Everyone’s head spun with wide eyes trained on Metalhead, “You’re not?” asked Lee.
Everyone’s head spun with wide eyes trained on Metalhead, “You’re not?” asked Lee.
“What the fuck gave you that idea?”
Lee: “Your more masculine affectations.”
Soope: “Y’all like to say the fuck-word.”
Titmouse: “All that crazy demeaning porn in your temp folder.”
“I’m not gay, you fucking idiots,” reiterated Metalhead. “I’m just metal like that.”
Dubious Lee turned to the Toddler, who motioned for Lee to bend down to his level. The Toddler whispered into Lee’s ear. “The Toddler,” Dubious Lee addressed Metalhead, “wonders if you are perchance a she-male?”
“Tell the Toddler if I had a dick I’d be choking him with it right now.”
Titmouse pointed a clawed finger at Dubious Lee. “All thissss rugrat hassss sssshown issss he’ssss a high-maintenancccce little turd. Why sssshould we meet hissss pricccce?”
Before Dubious Lee could open his mouth, the Toddler tugged at the hem of Lee’s jacket / cuirass. Lee bent down and accepted the Toddler’s whispered instructions. A wicked smile crawled across his face. “An excellent question, Titmouse. The Toddler is prepared to present you with proof of his prowess in perniciousness.”
“Y’all missed that last one,” noted Alfobet Soope.
“Fuck you.”
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