The Monopoly Mobile sped through the tunnel of reflective metal and rivers of light. The tunnel wound around deposits of shale and coiled upward in a wide helix through layers of stratum. From behind the wheel Dubious Lee cursed himself for opting for the winding road rather than the more timely lift. The Monopoly Mobile exploded through the doors of an abandoned warehouse (obviously) and raced to meet Simple Country Lawyer. Dubious Lee braked with a sudden squeal and jumped out the car at Twelfth & Hamilton.
Simple Country Lawyer stood over the limp and twisted body of the Toddler. The boy’s head had been replaced with a steaming mound of gray-green necrotic tissue. The corpse twitched slightly as the Lawyer said, “You disappoint me, Lee. Being as economically minded as you are, I’d have figured you for the vehicular-lift sort.”
“Silence! I’m finishing this!”
“Shucks, son. That there’s easier than a post pattern in a – ”
“FUCK FOOTBALL!!!”
Simple Country Lawyer’s arrogantly gregarious smile disappeared. “I beg your pardon, but I believe you just uttered fighting words at me.”
“Indeed they are. NOW!!!”
Three streaks of light burst from the Monopoly Mobile and landed as Dubious Lee called the roll.
“Metalhead!” Guitar strings crackling with electricity snaked from her fingertips and waves of distortion snarled from her feet.
“Titmouse!” His mutated member grew several feet and gnashed its sharp bucked teeth with a furious hiss.
“Alfobet Soope!” He danced an endzone celebration with increasing speed, then halted with a sudden prominence of energy.
Dubious Lee stood before his team, lapping at the fountain of anticipatory delight, savoring his nemesis’s impending defeat, bathing in his own venom. “Lawyer,” he called, “I’ll say this but once: this – ends – now!”
“Reckon I agree with you, Lee.” Simple Country Lawyer let fly a loud puncturing whistle. Four shapes suddenly fell from the sky. They landed behind Simple Country Lawyer and rose to their feet as their leader and benefactor introduced them.
“Meet Bloody Belle – spoiled Georgia Peach turned cannibalistic ninja.”
Clad in her crimson shozoku and twirling her kama, Bloody Belle said, “I’ll never go hungry again.”
“Big Block – left for dead in a Nascar crash, now a cybernetic killing machine that runs nines.”
Big Block’s chest-set cylinders raced as he balled up his iron fists and his mullet pulsed with violent energy.
“Boo Bradley – poltergeist and former Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan.”
Craning the long neck of the bone-white marble dragon he now possessed, Boo Bradley cried, “Wight Power!”
“And finally, Boy.”
The slump-shouldered middle-aged black man said, “I’m the custodian.”
The two lines of superpowered assholes stared at one another coldly. Dubious Lee’s eyes darted from Simple Country Lawyer to one or another of his lackeys and back again. He knew the planarian had outmaneuvered him once again. He resigned himself to the inevitable just as the Lawyer said, “You know something else, Lee? Of the two of us, whose team is more alliterative?”
Dubious Lee and Simple Country Lawyer screamed at the same time: “DESTROY THEM!!!”
The battle hadn’t lasted long. Alfobet Soope had immediately charged Boo Bradley, who quickly clasped the wide receiver in his marble jaws and tore him in half. Titmouse had launched his retractable rat-penis at Bloody Belle. She had caught it in her mouth, eaten her way down the shaft to the mammary molester and promptly cleaved him in twain. Metalhead had whipped her finger-strings at Big Block like lariats, but the iron goliath caught them, extended his mullet into a mane and launched from it a wide blast of power, reducing Metalhead to a molten lump.
Big Block and Bloody Belle held the defeated Dubious Lee at his arms, binding his arms behind his back, slumped to his knees amid the human flotsam spackled across the intersection.
Only his petrified rage prevented Dubious Lee from collapsing into tears. He would never acquiesce to living in a world that loved and embraced the treacherous parasite that was Simple Country Lawyer. He would never stop hating him, never stop trying to purge the earth of its cancer. He lifted his head as the single-celled advocate approached him. His eyes screamed hosannas of hate, and the Lawyer, meeting his eyes, actually froze. Dubious Lee spoke through clenched teeth, “Do not believe this is over, Simple Country Lawyer. You may have won today, but one tomorrow you will meet the very same justice you have long inveigled. You will watch everything you have stolen fall through your fingers like the finest sands. Your influence will count for naught. Your power will dissipate. You will be left impotent and despised. And as you fall to your knees, as supplicated as I am now, a shadow will cross your face. You will raise your head, lift your eyes, and see me. And finally you will meet your end, lost in the dyspathetic clutches of Dubious Lee.”
Simple Country Lawyer regarded his enemy silently.
“No I won’t.”
Simple Country Lawyer shot Dubious Lee in the head.
“Boy!”
Boy grumbled as he withdrew his retractable tachyon-powered mop and set to work.
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